Tag: kid

Summary:

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In this episode:

• I talk about my struggle in adapting to changing times
• My conflicting thoughts on being single
• How depression snuck in without realizing it was there
• What triggered me the past few weeks

Let me know what you think about this episode on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/thesinglefatherpodcast/

Sponsors and Attributions:
-Music sourced from TuneTank.com.
-Produced/Edited with https://www.descript.com/
-Sponsored By: https://www.thekeys.ai/

The Single Father Podcast is brought to you by VentPack. Visit VentPack.org for show notes and more information on the organization’s mission to combat challenges of single fatherhood with resources, digital products and mental health support.

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Transcription:

Welcome to the single father podcast. I’m your host, Kendall Donaker. This podcast is dedicated for anyone out there who’s dealing with mental health and fatherhood, you’ll hear about my struggles, my defeats my victories, my highs, my lows, my triumphs, my tribulations and everything in between. I like to call this a collection of journal entries into my struggle and adapting to single fatherhood. Without further ado, let’s take a look inside my journal, the single father podcast.

Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen. And otherwise, it is your host, Kendall Donaker. Thank you for joining me on today’s episode, I have to admit, today’s episode is going to be a little bit challenging for me, because I titled it taking responsibility for your own happiness. And it’s a little interesting for me, because lately, I haven’t been feeling too happy at all. And you know, I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. Well, I will tell you, I don’t think I’ve been handling the fact that my child’s mother had a baby with someone else. I don’t think I’ve been handling it too well at all. In fact, and I know all of you right off the bat. And when you’re all like, hey, you know has nothing to do with you. It happens all the time I get it, blah, blah, blah, I get it. It’s just, I don’t know, I’m not handling it too well. And I think it brought me down a spiral of thinking that maybe I’m not handling a lot of things. Maybe I’m just not handling a lot of things that well. And maybe I need to rethink and examine a lot of things in my life. Most importantly, how I got here. You know, I I just think it’s maybe it’s time that I take responsibility for my own unhappiness. I have to and you know, I have to face the challenges of why I’m unhappy. And won’t I won’t bury the lead here. I’ll talk about the biggest one. The first real thing that’s bugging me, is my child had a baby. I’m sorry. Wow. The first thing that’s bugging me, is my child’s mother had a baby with someone else. That’s the real problem for me. I thought I didn’t care, you know. And if you were to ask me, if I care, I if you held me to a lie detector test, I think I’d pass and truly say I really don’t give a fuck. But subliminally I know it’s bothering me. And I can’t tell what it is about it. That’s bothering me, because I’m not in love with her anymore. You know, it’s weird guys. It is. I just been having these visions, these images in my head. And, you know, sometimes I’ll walk into a room. And I’ll just imagine me, her and our kids just playing around a room together and just, uh, smiling and looking at our family. It’s almost like this alternate parallel universe. And shit. Maybe it is. I don’t know if you guys believe in that sort of thing that sci fi parallel universe aspect. But it it just I’ve been, I’ve been seeing it so clearly in my head sometimes. And it’s just like a walk into a room and I’ll see another crib there. I’ll see a house of me raising a whole family and it’s not really there. And before you guys think it schizophrenia, and trust me, I know that it’s not really there. It’s just, you know, you know what I mean? You walk into a room and you just envision something and you just wake up and think

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the hen house a nice day dream, wasn’t it?

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And you know, I think it just made me start to think about all the negative things that’s been going on, you know, in relation to having her have that baby. And I think it just opened up an old wound that I kept closing for so long. You know, like, how did I get here? Why am I single? And truthfully, I I thought it Be me by now that had a baby. I thought it’d be mean that started a family. I thought it’d be me that would be looking at her as a lonely one, the lonely single mother. But no, no, no, no, no, it just feels like, I’m the one racing to keep up. I feel bad. It feels sucky. It feels like I’ve, like I’ve done something wrong, you know, it feels like I’m, I’m not doing something right. And then, after those visions stopped, I started getting an overwhelming sense of regret, and just regretting everything on how I came to this point in my life. Regretting all of the sittin the decisions that I made when we were together. And again, to clarify, it’s weird, because it’s not like, I wish that we were back together, not at all actually. It’s just I often think of what could have been had things been done differently. You know, what I mean? tense, everyone that’s ever lived, I’m sure. But, you know, in my head, I think, if I would have just done a few things differently. Maybe she would end up a different person. Or maybe I would, you know, you just think of that over and over and over, around around in my head. Like, maybe if I would have took that poster off my wall, little things like that. And you know, it’s hard to explain my behavior during that time. It’s almost like I had an early life crisis instead of a midlife crisis. Like I had, I felt like I had a little bit of a mental breakdown during that time. You know, I was just finishing up college, we found out we were having a baby, I had to move 12 hours on my own with this big U haul. And this, you know, this, all of my shit in my car, I had to start a new job out in Vegas. I’m living with my parents at the time until I get into my new home. And then suddenly, she wants to move in with me. And in I hate my job. It’s a restaurant. And you know, it’s it’s just, I feel like, a lot of things were happening at once. And I felt like my behavior at that time was due to kind of the stressors around me that were going on, and I just wasn’t prepared to handle it all at once. I had no outlet. You know, I felt like it couldn’t. I just felt like I truly just wasn’t myself. And, you know, this restaurant that I was working at was probably by far the most stressful environment I’ve ever been at in my entire life. Any of you who’s worked at a very, very busy restaurant, who’s on your feet and dealing with rude angry customers, especially in the morning, you know exactly what I’m talking about. That awful feeling of dealing with the most awful people in the world. And I don’t know.

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You know, I

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want to see if you can back me up here. You know, when my kid was born, and I was working at the restaurant. I guess I could have demanded and I should have demanded that I took the day off after she was born. But any of you who’s worked at a restaurant, you know, it’s not that easy. You can’t just call off work, you can’t just cancel you can’t just say I’m sick and I’m not coming in a restaurant doesn’t work. A restaurant doesn’t function that way. You know, at least normal restaurants. You can’t just do that. So, you know, my child’s mother, my baby mama, she was a little bit uncomfortable about me leaving and I knew she was but you know, at the time she was cool about it later I found out that she wasn’t cool about it at all. But at the time, she was like do what you got to do and when my when my daughter was born all my focus in my head was keeping my job in feeding my family and making sure that everyone’s okay, you know, putting money on the table feet I got mouths to feed that’s what was in my head. So I wanted to man up and go to work. They won’t and I want to clarify it’s not like I wanted to do that. It’s almost like I felt like I had to anyone who’s worked at a restaurant you know that the busy nature of it the the the the function of it the I mean just you know I want to see if you guys can back me up here really? Email me at hello event back to Oregon tell me from wrong. You know that it’s not that easy to just cancel and as awful and rude as it may have been and on my on maybe a bitch move on my end or not? canceling it, I just I felt like I couldn’t. So I went to work. And she forever was so upset and really butthurt about that she was in and I didn’t know until much later, but she, I was just concerned about making the money for my family and I getting fired. You know what I mean?

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But, um, yeah,

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she wasn’t cool about it. I wish I handled it differently. And I wish I had done it. You know, but it is what it is. And, and, and, you know, that was that. And all of you know about me being uncomfortable. If you listen to one of my some of my earlier episodes, you know, about the struggles of me being uncomfortable about the whole pregnancy than nine months in general about me not knowing if it was mine or not, and blah, blah, blah. There’s a lot of controversies. Well, as you know, I say controversy is this, I was on TMZ. But no, there’s a whole bunch of drama on, you know, little affairs here and there. And it. I wasn’t comfortable. It just, there’s so much going on around that time that. Yeah, I did feel like maybe I wasn’t the best boyfriend. No, I wasn’t the best boyfriend during that time. But I had a lot going on. And I know, that’s no excuse for bad behavior. But if you if you would have known and saw what was inside my head and looked at it from outside looking in you like I feel like you could have seen why I was a little bit stressed or wasn’t myself during that time. Yeah, it was really hard. And even after that, I, you know, I wish I did things differently and make things better, but I fully admit that I fully admit that I was trying to keep my options open because I was afraid of everything that was going on, I was afraid that you know, you know, if I really broke down and committed in in did this and that, that I would end up losing everything and losing myself and in and I was afraid I was afraid of, of commitment. I was afraid of the love that was in front of me. And I made some terrible decisions during that time that I just regret. And ironically, those decisions ended up me losing my family anyway, at least my child’s mother and and although I wholeheartedly believe that she did some things as well that led to this system that I’m not so above and not less of a man where I can admit that I was wrong, and the things are definitely my fault. You know, I and I guess that’s why I’m having these visions because you often wonder what could have What could you have done differently? What would life have been like now? Would she still be the same person that I don’t recognize the same person that you know between you and I can’t stand sometimes are wish to be someone which would be that caring, loving person that I remember that the person with a beautiful soul on the I remember had this angelic voice that made me feel so soul so comfortable. I felt like she was the perfect match for me at one point, you know, I felt like she made me feel safe and important and valued in and saying all these things you wonder why I fucked it all up. But I don’t know she I really did love her at one point. I’ll tell you that. And it’s hard for me not to say that I still don’t love her. I see her all the time when I look at my daughter’s eyes. Which is ironic because I haven’t seen the woman in person in about 10 months. I only see her boyfriend. But I see her all the time when I look at my daughter and she helps me make my daughter so if I love my child, how can I how can I not still love her? You know what I mean? And I don’t know You know, I? The relationship part of it, you know like you’re like I’m over that. But I guess part of me is just this is punishing myself for the things that I didn’t do and the regrets that I have with me and I often wonder if that’s gonna haunt me on the way to heaven. Sometimes it’s just am I going to be buried down by all the weight of the regret and some of the shame that I have from my life so far, and you can think, Hey, dude, you’re only in your 20s. But man, it’s, it’s been. It’s been a tough go of it. You know, and I haven’t really had anyone to lean on besides Well, you guys,

this is one hell of a therapy session, right? And you guys would be heavily compensated if it wasn’t just a

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podcast.

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And I don’t know how to make things right in my heart where I feel like, I feel whole and complete and completely. What’s the word healed of my anguishes and my some of my pain, but, and maybe I should speak to someone professionally. But I just know that I’m not handling that well. And I know that it bothers me a lot in I just feel like, I guess that I fucked up a bit, you know? Are you like, dude, you’ve been single for so long, and you had the opportunity to have this beautiful family and, and that’s the other thing, you know, the other thing that’s making me sad is just being single. Which is ironic, again, you know, hence the name of my podcast, but I mean, listen, it’s, it’s a tough game out here in Vegas. And Vegas is definitely not the place to, you know, go out and date and find the love of your life, you know, it’s Vegas is not a great place to meet people, it’s a great place to hook up and a party, but to meet the love of your life, your partner, your, your forever person, I don’t know, that’s a little tough. You know, I’m trying to work on myself and to read these books on how to find a better match and to, you know, read these articles and the girl that I am looking for, and the girls I should stay away from, which happens to be the ones that I match with the most but you know, I’m I’m definitely looking to find a woman that’s valuable and makes me feel valuable that we mutually find each other important and in funny and career oriented, and, and a beautiful match. But, you know, I at this point, it feels like that’s asking too much in Vegas is just nodded when it comes to that sort of shit. And you know,

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you know, in, in

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everyone who has listened to the podcast, and previous episodes, you know, that for often a long period of time, it felt like the only thing that I had to bring to the table was sex and laughter. I didn’t really feel like I had too much else. And I think that’s why I focus in a, I work so hard at my job, is I want to bring things to the table, whether it’s money, my career, the things that I have our own, you know, I want to, I want to be important to somebody, you know, I want to I want to be a valuable asset to somebody, he gives it, you know, it just feels hard at times. I know, some people look at me differently when I have a kid. And, you know, and I’m not apologizing for it at all I am. You know, I’m more so think of my daughter as like my partner in crime, like a literal, I mean, literally, she’s an extension of myself. So it’s like, you’re getting the best of both worlds. You’re getting, you know, me, and then you’re getting my mini me, she’s, she’s my, she’s my sidekick. You know, she’s, she’s everything to me, she’s so important. And I and, you know, I’m, I’m, I’m grateful to the ones who can look at that, and accept me for me and except that I have my, my partner in crime attached to me. And I’m also grateful to the ones who do not, except that, because it kind of helps me weed out the ones that aren’t a good match. It’s funny, because there’s a side note here, I keep matching with this girl every once in a while, who, I guess had a bad experience with me. We matched on a dating app a long time ago. And we spoke for about a day. And then the next day, I told her that I had a kid and she’s like, Oh my god, I can’t believe you would hide a kid from me. And I’m like, Look, I’m not hiding it. It’s it’s not on my dating profile. But you know, the first day we were talking it just didn’t come up and we were talking a little master. And I yeah, I just wanted to tell you today and she was weird. She got weird about it. She’s like, Hey, um, I’m not looking to be a stepmom. I’m not looking to be anyone’s mother and things like that, which I totally look fair, fair as fuck right. But I think at the time To be honest with you, it offended me. And I think I said something along the terms of like, hey, that’s totally fine. It just, it just helps me weed out the ones that aren’t the right fit for me. And I think it said something along the terms of, you know, I try to weed out the bad seeds with assumption like that. I don’t know what I said exactly. I remember it was a bit passive. And she had a really, that she then she got offended about it and blah, blah, blah. But it’s funny, because every couple of months, I keep rematching with her. And I have very terrible, awful memory. And, by the way, if any of you have this problem, please email me at hello of impact to Oregon. Tell me about it. And because I want to know, but I have a thing where I, I almost just forget people, if they’re if you’re out of my life for maybe like a month or two, and I will forget completely who you are. Like if we even had a conversation. So I keep rematching with her completely forgetting who she is. Every time she says you don’t remember me or we we’ve matched before you know that and she brings up the story and not forgetting and I remind myself and we match and blah. I don’t know why she keeps matching with me. Like I you could say the same about me. But I literally forget who she is. Every single time I don’t even remember her face now. The only reason I even remembered it now is because I was it because it was on topic. But whether her face her name, I’ve complete no idea who she is. Anyway, that’s just a little side note, I digress. But and if any of you have that problem, please let me know. But yeah, we’re so we unmatchable Bob, but you know anybody but you really helps me just to kind of weed out the ones that aren’t a fit for me. So I appreciate the ones who told me that entropy told, listen, I will fully admit now that as hypocritical as it may sound, I get it. Because I don’t even know if I could date someone with a kid. That’s, that’s I think it just I think it’s out of my comfort level, it’s a little bit of an extra extra step that I don’t think I’m willing to take. And again, as hypocritical as it is, like, it’s just all about what you’re comfortable with. I’m comfortable with my daughter, and I’m comfortable creating a new life and bringing new life into this earth. But when it comes to taking care of someone else’s life, some people can do it. And I hope that the the love of my life can then there’s some people who I don’t think can and who aren’t comfortable with that. And that’s fair, and I don’t think she’s shame someone for that. And I think I’m some of those.

I think I’m one of those people I I don’t know. But But yeah, I work hard. Because I want to bring stuff to the table, you know, I want to bring the extra goodness Yeah, he has a kid but he’s rich, he has a big blah, blah, blah. And he and he know he has some you know, he has he brings stuff to the table. You know what I mean? And I want to be valuable, you know, I want to have a lot to offer a lot to give,

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you know, you know

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some men look for what they can take but a true man look for what he can give us from The Lion King, by the way, but But yeah, that’s why I work so hard and and why buy so many things from my daughter’s because I want to feel valued. You know, I want her to feel loved. I want her to feel like she has everything that I can give her. I you know, and yeah, I just it’s hard because another thing that kind of really makes me unhappy is I feel like I have this persona. But I’m not a persona because it is me but it’s more of a sheltered version of me is just this, you know, kendal’s, the the happy, the funny guy, he’s the guy who makes us all laugh and kind of jokes about everything, you know, but some things actually don’t find funny in regard to my life, and in although I may laugh about it, sometimes it really does bother me. And it’s hard because of the person that I created for other people to see. The funny guy, it’s hard for me to have a serious conversation with people. You know what I mean? If you’re always the funny guy and you suddenly bring up a serious drop bomb, it’s hard to kind of have that feel natural or comfortable. Does it make sense when it comes into a natural flowing conversation? So, you know, I may laugh it off about me being single, but yeah, it hurts me and I’m like, Man, I I’m not it’s funny. I just had that conversation with my friend about this. I’m like, I’m, I’m almost 28 years old. And by almost I mean, I’m six months away, but you know, in my head, I’m a futurist I’ve always taken and I’m almost 20 years He’s old, I’m almost 30, you know, hey, I need to find the love. You know, I don’t want to match with 30 year olds, I want to match with 25 to, you know, to 27 year olds, of which of my age range, you know, I’m, I’m, you know, I’m just I guess I’m worried. And I know that and does that make sense? You know, I like I don’t always want to be the funny guy, I want to have a conversation with my friends, and not feeling like it’s uncomfortable. When I say guys, I’m actually really worried about me being single. And I’m worried about a lot of things. And I kind of want your advice. You know, I mean, I want that to flow naturally. But I don’t know how to kind of break the persona of me being funny. But then that kind of goes back to my own. Me being comfortable with myself and me not feeling like I have anything to offer besides being funny. You know, what do I have to offer my friends? If it’s not laughter? You know what I mean? Like, and it kind of goes to my own kind of self worth, I guess, you know what I mean? I, you know, and I remember back in the day, when I thought, wow, I just had sex. And I’m worried because I haven’t had sex and a few months that I’m never gonna have sex again. And then, you know, a few belt buckles, lower belt buckles later, and you say, well, now I’m worried that I’ll never find a girlfriend, and then you have a girlfriend? Well, I’m worried that I’ll never find a family. And then you have a baby mama, mom, right? I never have a kid and you have a kid. And, and I guess you just kind of go around around you go, I’m worried that I’ll never have I’m worried that I’ll never have I’m worried that it’ll never have. And you kind of play that over and over and you’re getting in your mind. And it doesn’t help manifest the things that you want. It does hold you back from the gratitude that you have when you actually do experience those things. Does that make sense? Like you can worry yourself into feeling like you don’t have enough. You know, I and I feel like I’ve done that to myself. I’ve worried myself so much that when I actually get what I want, it almost feels like it’s it’s nothing like it was given to me like it was a I don’t know the right word for it, but it just feels like I’m not worthy of it.

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You know what I mean? Like,

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I’m worried that I’ll lose it. Okay, yeah, hey, I got this. Now what I’m worried, you know what I mean, that’s kind of how it was with my baby mama. Yeah, I got a nice family. Now I’m worried I’ll lose it. So I gotta keep my options open. You know what I mean. And it just often leads to your downfall, if you think like that. And I’ve been desperately that I’ve been desperately trying to shift my mindset these last few years. And to change the way that I think about things and to be actually grateful and experience gratitude. When I get something that I’ve manifested for so long, or that I thought about for so long, is that feeling like I’m not worthy of it, or I’m instantly going to lose it to not feel so worried about the future? You know, what I mean? And you know, I don’t know, I want to, I want to ask, what’s next? Or someone that can actually help me give an answer? You know, I mean, I, when I’m thinking about what’s next, I want someone to be there and help me find an answer to these things. That’s collectively hours together. You know what I mean? I want my partner I want my person I want someone to connect with and grow with and to, to, to came my soul when I’m worried, you know, I mean, I don’t have that. And I feel like that’s what’s been bothering me about, you know, my child’s mother having this baby is I feel like she has that, you know, and I’m jealous. I’m angry by it. And, you know, she’s been asking me if I want to move to Colorado for a long time, she her and her boyfriend want to get out of Vegas and, and lucky. I’ve been against it, mostly because it’s easier said than done. I can’t just pick up and leave our career. It has to be you know what I mean? But I’ve been against it, because I’m like, I don’t this. I’m working on finding my love. Maybe, but maybe I do need to start fresh somewhere. I don’t know. I don’t know. And I think that’s the problem is I don’t know. I want to know, but I don’t know. And that’s always been my problem is just worried about what’s next. You know, I’ve never been able to just calm and take in what I have and enjoy. You know what I mean? I’ve never been able to just say Look at everything I have. And just be grateful for it. I’ve always just been afraid of losing it.

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You know what I mean?

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I want to experience that blissful relief, that sigh of breath that you take when you feel like I have enough, I have what I need. And I feel like I don’t have that as of right now. You know, I don’t have that mindset, I don’t have that person. I’m really striving for it, you know. And part of my problem with dating diddly The truth is, I don’t I don’t go, I don’t go out much. You know, I’m not meeting the people I shouldn’t here in Vegas. Because all of my friends are in relationships. If I want to go out, you know, I’ve tried going out single, just as a single guy going out to a bar, I’m trying to meet someone, it feels awkward, you know, you always feel more hyped up and confident when you’re, when you’re with someone with wit when you’re with your buddy, I had that in college, I don’t have that now, in the event, the main person that I had it with, and even he’s in a relationship, you know, and you, you know, you like Man, that was my wingman that was my buddy, I don’t have people that I can just go out with and wingman with and, and pick up girls with and you know, I don’t have that anymore. Everyone’s in a relationship. And, and although I could do that with some of my friends, now I could, you know, I could, but it’s always kind of difficult to, to kind of plan that together to have all of our schedules match up and, and to go out and blah, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda yadda. You know what I mean, it’s kind of difficult with everyone kind of being in relationship and scheduling and shit like that. So it’s rare that I have the opportunity to do that even with my buddies. So that’s the difficult part. The other part of it is I truly don’t even have the time to even be on Tinder and, and Bumble, and just sit there and swipe for a fucking hour a girls have it easy, it just new does have 1000s of men just swarming over you all the time. But me, it’s just kind of hard for me to just define the time just to be like, Okay, I’m not going to do anything, but just swipe here, because I get distracted all day. Here. I’ll swipe throughout the day. But listen, I don’t even want to be in bed and just swipe. You know, I mean, that’s my comfort zone, I you know, it’s just finding the time to do is just ridiculously hard. And so, you know, in a round and round we go, you know, I get matches, and it’s kind of like, you know, it’s not people that I’m interested in or it’s not it’s they say something off putting and I’m not interested and you know, and that also becomes my other issue is is like, on the times that I could meet up with someone, maybe I can’t do it because I have my kid and in although one week on one week off, helps me. It’s you know, it’s just all about timing. And listen, I hope that in time the perfect woman just falls into my lap. But you know, it feels like lately I’ve been a little impatient. I’m like, please, you know, God, like, I feel like it’s time I’m ready to settle down, I’m ready to be a committed man, I’m ready to fall in love. I’m really lonely out here. You know, I’m working on being a better man. I’m a girl, I’m working on growing, please allow me the opportunity to grow with someone.

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You know what I mean?

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It gives me that, you know, give me the opportunity to have someone in my life. And you know, and I was talking to a friend about this to a really big issue is my issue. But a concern is I was talking to my friend about how hard it is to imagine having someone in my life raising my daughter with me. I mean, because I’ve always been a single father. I think I’ve spoke about this before in my previous episodes. Her mother and I, her being my child’s mother. My child’s mother and I we we we broke up I think a month after my daughter was born. So I have always been a single father, I’ve done it all. I fed her bottles and made the formula change the diapers, the rocking chairs, the strollers, all of it. I’ve done it on my own. No co parenting of course, but I’ve done it on my own. You know, with my daughter now being four years old. It’s hard to imagine someone you know helping me race or just feel strange. You know what I mean? It almost feels like there’d be too many chefs in the kitchen. Right? You have her mother her boyfriend and you’d have me and someone else It almost just feels a little strange. All you know all of The these pieces they’re trying to raise are that little girl, it feels a little weird, you know? And if any of you have advice, or some books or podcasts I should listen to on that, you know, please let me know, because I’d love to explore more about that because it does feel like a strange concept that I’m not used to or not fully able to. I don’t want to say open myself up to yet, but it’s I think you guys couldn’t do it. I mean, it’s weird. It’s gonna be strange. And I’ll let you guys know how it works out, if ever does work out. But it’s it’s a hard pill to swallow when that day comes. And I don’t know how Leila is going to react either. You know, the day someone tells her Hey, no, no, Leila don’t do that. You know, what an awkward day that will be, you know? And it you know, and like I said it, of course, you guys are saying right now, well, why not meet other single parents? Well, as I mentioned before, again, hypocritical. I just can’t imagine raising someone else’s child. As hypocritical and as selfish as that is. I think that’s beyond my comfort zone. But I’m not rude about it, while other people are saying, you know, for the week or something like that. No, no, no. You shouldn’t shame anyone. And you should love everyone. And, and this and that. But no, I’m not. I’m not a I’m not saying Never say never. But I think that’s a little bit of an extra extra step that I don’t think I’m able to take. And, you know, sometimes it just feels like I’m meant to be single, you know, have been single for so long that I’ve a, I don’t know, it feels like it. No, it will never come my way. And of course, everyone says that until they A week later, they meet the partner in love with her life, but I don’t know. I mean, it just, it just feels like it’s it’s just difficult. I mean, I’ve made a whole podcast about what I don’t like about dating apps. I mean, these days, you know, you have to speak to someone for two weeks on texting, before you can actually go out and meet them in person in real life or coffee. I’m so against that. By the way, I’m so much against that. If you really want to know someone, you should get to know them in person. But, you know, topic for another rambling day. But I just feel I just been feeling so lonely. And part of it is just my family. And when it comes to my family, you know. I think that’s a really big part of what’s been making me depressed. You know, and the lack of better words, the complete disappointment of my family, and where we are now as a whole and a unit. Is it just a huge disappointment. And I spoke about it before in in length and other episodes, but, you know, my family is so broken. You know, I recently went to Disney with my dad, my younger sister, and myself and my daughter, of course, and there’s a few instances where I felt the tension from my dad, that I that I felt when I was a young kid in high school. You know what I mean? By the way, Disney was a trip. First of all, it’s probably

excessive heat waves all through California and Nevada, right? We get my dad’s car. We’re driving up 3040 minutes out of Vegas. It’s so hot. We’re in traffic. I don’t know where smoke starts coming. We well first of all, he loses a C we drive for another like five minutes. Smoke starts coming from his car. Boom, it breaks down. Well, fuck. So he pulls over, loses his engine and she like dabble bla bla bla bla. And meet him just have a massive panic for just a second. Are like Holy fuck. What do we do? We are fucking 40 minutes away out of Vegas. His radiator just blew. And first of all, you don’t even hear about a radiator breaking anymore. That’s something old Joe Biden says in one of his speeches. Hey, oh, rock when the radiator was, you know, I’m trying to you know, but you don’t even hear about the

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radiator. This was radiator fucking blew.

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I have my tickets for Disney in the morning. You know, I’m freaking out. Like I think we got it’s hot as fuck. It’s about like 115 We got the kids in the car. And we just kind of slowly calmed down and we kind of figured a plan out. He called one of his friends up said hey can you come get us at this gas station. I’m going to try to drive them and try to drive my car put in neutral and kind of you know Coast my way to this gas station I can stop at under the shade. Luckily it worked. He puts he puts the card neutral coast to this get nearby gas station this friend comes and picks picks us up, you know, calls the tow truck company until it tells us tells him where his car is out, they pick it up, we drive back to Vegas. And we decided to take my car. And I was like, Okay, well let me get an oil change and I fucking in put coolant in my car real quick because I’ll be damned if it happens to me. So we drive out we drive out to Disney had a fantastic time and a magical time at Disney I really did. But you know, he was a little bit on edge about his car naturally about in and I understand that. But my dad is the type of person that and I’m sure you’ve guys had this near family, he’s the type of person that when he gets angry, everyone in the world can feel it. You know, I mean, he has a parents like that, or friends like that, that, you know, where if they’re angry, everyone can feel it. And I understood that. But I mean, like, it’s hard to it’s hard to tell someone to let it go when you’re in Disneyland. And in their very car could be 1000s dollars and you know, in the hole, but I get it. But I’m like looked at you know, your demeanor kind of almost traumatized me into feeling like I was back in high school, and feeling like you’re the boogey man again, you know, I mean, and I spoke about this before my dad and you know, it gets kind of took me back to some of the horrible things that he did, specifically to my mom and his actions when I was younger. And although I think he’s a reformed kind of better man. You know, there’s still tendencies in him and in tendencies in I hate that I have from him and in blase, blase blase, but you know, when I, when I felt his tension, it just made me extremely uncomfortable and kind of brought this back these traumatic memories for me, and it just made me it made me feel yucky. You know, I mean, we feel horrible. And, you know, and I don’t know. And when it comes to my mom, you know, she’s really disappointing as well, it’s really not worth talking about. I spoken length about her already. But you know, it just feels like the only person that I really have. That, I know would just do anything for me just just just die for me to give the clothes off the back for me, you know, I mean, give the last dollar to me is my Nana. And my Nana is like my mom, you know, and I think you guys have heard me speak about my Nana. I mean, she raised me after my parents got divorced. So she took me in, made me a better man and steal things into me that I felt were shitty at the time. But a couple years later, you realize that she was just so right. And I’m really sorry, to the way I acted to her. When I was a teenager, I was just so angry at the world that my parents going into foster care and a lot of other things in high school that I was just angry with, and hurt and traumatized by and I treated her so poorly when she took me in. And I was just just dumb, angry little kid, and I’m forever just ashamed of my actions. And it’s one thing I’m deeply ashamed of my greatest shame is when you grow older, you realize, and when you grow older and become a man, you just realize what a boy you were, you know what I mean? But she really cares about me she does it but you know, as she gets older, you realize that she’s really set in her ways. She’s very stubborn, an old fashioned black soul is very prideful, and it bothers the fuck out of me. But she’s very impressive. You know, she has all these PhDs and degrees, but I’m protective of my Nana. So I don’t want to speak too much into some of the negative aspects about her life. But you know, I often tell her, you know, hey, you need help you need these government programs to come and help you and things like that. And she has all these reasons for telling me no, and it makes me It upsets me and you know, I’m trying to help her and she’s stubborn about it. And

you know, when she gets really testy of certain things, if you if, if you can’t do something for her right in the moment where she needs it, it can almost be like the end of your relationship with her. She didn’t really take it personally. And you know, you’re just like, hey, Nana, there’s the world doesn’t work like this, you know, blah, blah, blah, you need to and you tried to lecture her in the lobby. She doesn’t just want to hear it. She’s just stubborn, stubborn, old black lady wishes and she’s my love. She’s my mother, you know, and

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you know, and

45:00
In, she acts like she has conditional love sometimes, but she has unconditional love, if that makes sense. I know that she loves me unconditionally. It’s just she can act very conditional in some cases. And that really bothers me really does. And in sometimes you’re just like, God, you know. I just, I don’t know, I just don’t want to do this anymore. You just kind of want to just say fuck this. And you know, I’m done with the whole family. I don’t want to I don’t want to deal with deal with any of you. But you know, it’s hard to hold a grudge against 7172 year old woman and you feel like I’ll even have the time to hold the grudge. It’s harder to hold a grudge against my dad, a man’s almost 50 And you think about I don’t have the time to be angry with you. And, you know, it’s it’s difficult for me because you want to let go. And yet you. You. It’s not like I feel obligated to hold on but you feel a duty. That’s my family. You know, and that’s my family is horrible as I think my family is it’s my family. You know, and I don’t know. There’s nothing more of a stronger bond than family, right? At least that’s what you’re supposed to say. You know, my,

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my Nana, you know, I I call her. I call

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my man on my happiest moments, on my worst moments. She’s like, my best friend. You know, I tell her everything. And she always can guide me in the right direction, she can always steer me into a level of sanity to let me know when I’m wrong or right or to give me a different perspective on things, you know. And that, when it comes to what I just said, about holding a grudge against a 7172 year old woman, you think what happens when you’re gone? The thought of losing her and almost kind of like yeah, it just makes me lose words. I don’t want to ever lose her. Because you almost feel like, well, now what? You’re worried about the future. You know, I mean, like I said, I’m a father. And now what? You know, who do I have to lean on? Who do I have? You know? You just, it just goes back to just me feeling lonely? Like, I don’t have anyone. And one day, I will lose my nail. And um, I don’t even want to think about that day. But when that day comes, you just feel I don’t know. Then what do I have? You know what I mean? Who do I have? To keep me sane? Who do I have to give me a different perspective? Who do I have? To tell about my days to you know? Don’t know. I’m only then my baby mama had a baby. And she had a family and she’s happy and I’m not happy. And you think why aren’t you happy? I think is because I made myself unhappy. And I think because when we were together, I was a boy and God Almighty if I could go back and kick that boys as I would, and just set him straight. And it’s funny, because someone asked me recently, what would uh, what would a couple of years do? I said a couple of years. Anything could happen within a day, a couple of years. A couple of years can mean everything. It’s funny because I had my baby when I was 2223 I think and I’m 27 and that doesn’t seem like a big difference. But Oh god, I really is. I’m not a boy anymore. You know, I think more like a man. I regret the decisions I made when I was a boy. You know, and all of the things that you thought were unimportant are actually very important. Like credit, a Career Money, putting money away treating people with kindness, respect, treating people the way you want to be treated love all the things that I wish I valued more, you know, all the things that I that would have made me happy because the others sure as hell did not. The other things that I felt were important that all the women I messed around with, or I can count on one finger. How many I still talk to all the things that you thought were important at the time just a two A man you start to think, God, what a boy you were, you know. And as you start to grow up some men realize it just in time, and some men realize it too late. Some men can have it as a good roadmap for the future.

50:29
You know? It’s tough.

50:37
Just like those visions I’ve been having. When I walk into a room and see these little kids, it’s like a punishment, you know, you see your regret, and you visualize all the things that could have been. You see your mistakes, your pain. And you see the boy that you were the man that you had the opportunity to be. And now all I can hope is that I show my daughter what it is to be a man, and to show her what a man should act like. The kindness, love and respect she should get from a man. I regret a lot of things, you know. My biggest accomplishment though, was that little girl. But if I’m taking responsibility for my own happiness, I also have to find other things that do make me happy. Because as of right now, the only things that really make me happy is when I have my daughter, and I only have her every other week, you know. And I’ve been preaching to you guys to not let your past control your future. But the thing is, is when you look up into the sky, some of those stars have been been distinguished for 1000s of years. But their light is only just reaching us now. The past always has an effect on our present. And on our future. It just depends on what we do with that information moving forward. I don’t know who I’m going to be with moving forward, or how am I going to get there, how I’m going to meet this person. But I know that if I want to be happy with someone else, that I have to be happy with myself first. And also means making some changes, I just hope that I just hope to god, that part of those changes includes growing with someone on my end

I just really don’t want to be alone. I’ve been feeling down about it a lot. You know, I’m feeling down that I feel like at times I’ve had shitty parents and I have to put a shitty performance on about how happy and funny I am to other people when I’m really distressed or sad. I’m going feeling down that my baby mama has one up on me, you know. And if you guys have any advice that I don’t know, please email me at hello, I’ve impact org and I’d be happy to read your words and hear the support that you can share.

And maybe we can all figure it out together. So I’m going to take my happiness, my own hands and take responsibility for it. Yeah, I’m going to keep pushing forward. And I’m going to wake up with a routine. I’m going to drink some more tea, I’m going to go to the gym, I’m going to start doing meditation and yoga. I’m going to drink a boba. I’m gonna do everything I need to do to wake up and get back on track. This depressed feeling. It’s just not it. And part of it. I’ll tell you the truth. Part of it is these damn pills, you know, these antidepressants that I take. They almost just make you feel like you’re empty inside. And look, I’m not against antidepressants on principle. It’s just I just don’t like taking them just only taking extra pills in general. I don’t like at times the way they make me feel. And again, I’m careful to say that because anyone who does need it should go out and get it. Sometimes I wonder how actually more depressed I would be without

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them. You know what I mean?

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But I hate the way I feel when I don’t take them for two days and forget, and I have an electric shock spiraling through my body, I hate the way that sometimes it just makes me feel numb. Like, I feel nothing. Like, I feel like it changed me, you know? And like I said, granted, I’m not as depressed as I would be without them, but I know. You just feel nada. I don’t like that I don’t have a sex drive. I don’t have the desire to do most things. I just feel numb. And I guess, maybe that’s part of it. I just want to feel something. I just want to feel happy. Well, I digress. Thank you guys for letting me get that off my chest and allowing me to vent with you. I find know that was a very long eventing session. And I’m sure if you were a therapist, you’d be paid very well. But yeah, you’re not. I’m happy that you guys allowed me to share that with you. And I’ll tell you, I needed it. I want to tell you guys about the new segments that are on our show. One that I’m going to start just here in a minute is called mailbag. Again, mailbag is a session that I’m bringing up on the show where you can just mail in a question to me. So if you email me at hello at Ven, packet.org. And in the subject line, you type mailbag, typing your question, and if it’s appropriate, I’ll read it and answer it on the show. Another one is called venting sessions. If you want the opportunity to vent with me, if you want the opportunity to be a guest on the podcast and talk about anything in regards to relationships, or co parenting, or being a father, whatever the case may be, email, email me at hello at vent packed.org in the subject line type venting. And just type to me and what you want to vent about. And again, if it’s appropriate, and we have the time, we can schedule something where you can actually be a guest on the podcast with me. And we can have a little venting session together. And it’s fun. So I’m gonna go ahead and read some mailbag questions from you guys. The first one is from anonymous. What do you think the hardest part about being a co parent is? The hardest part about being a co parent is I say, having different parenting styles, I’m not talking shit or, or whatever the case may be in any way, shape, or form in any way, shape, or form. But I recently thought that my daughter was a little stressed out about, like, different changes in her life. And I, me and her mother, a while back had a big fight and in our communication kind of fell to an all time low. During that time, I felt like we weren’t really communicating on how we are parenting her. And I kind of offered to bring that back up again. And I said, Hey, I’m willing to share my parenting style with you. And she wanted her reply back really was just she wanted to keep a parenting style separate, which, in my opinion, is the wrong way to go about things. But you know, I can’t control other people. So that is probably the hardest part about being a co parent is oftentimes you’re not on the same page. And, you know, I don’t want any confusion or just any out of pocket pneus when it comes to my daughter, I want her to feel comfortable, safe and as normal as possible. Even though it’s not a normal situation. I want her to feel like it’s, it’s not hard, at least. And so it’s a challenge for me. Accepting that. So yeah. What, when you? Well, this question comes up a lot from anonymous. When you actually are in a relationship, are you gonna change the name of your podcast? Probably not. It’s probably not. The single father podcast is, I think goes beyond just me being single. I think it’s just sharing my experiences of being a parent and fatherhood, mental health and relationships. And you know, time will tell what happens in the future, but probably not.

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Yeah. Next question.

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What do you think the goal of co parenting is? Only for the goal of co parenting. Yes, that’s a good question.

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I mean, it’s simple but

1:00:01
Maybe there’s a deeper answer there. I mean, on face value, the goal is kind of like what I just said, to make sure everything flows as natural and as smooth as possible, making it a very comfortable and seamless experience for your child. And making it not about your disagreements but agreeing. together collectively, when it comes to the well being and benefit of your child, the golden the goal of co parenting is just to if you can’t parent together in the same house, to make sure you guys have the same type of deal in outside of your guys, it doesn’t make sense. Now, is there a deeper answer there? Probably. But I’ll just give you the, I guess the simple one. Okay, the next one from anonymous. How do you think your mental health has affected your parenting? I tried not to let it affect my parenting. Because although I can complain about being being alone and sad, I have always, you know, I have this philosophy at work, I was telling one of my colleagues this at work, we I have this guy that I work with. And I don’t know if I can say a lot, but I have this guy that I work with who I feel takes his personality, which is great. But he takes person personal things from his personality and integrates it with his is his work over the phone in sales. Now. I think he shouldn’t do that. And it’s kind of hard to speak in detail, because I want to keep it private. But you know, he has a very bro personality, and you can’t have that brokenness or you can’t have irritate me over the phone when you’re trying to sell things. Right. And I always tell him look, every day I wake up in the morning, and I’m pretty much grumpy. And I’m a goofy guy. Right? So both of those things are simultaneously happening in the morning for me. I mean, they’re goofy, or I’m either grumpy, but none of those things show up on the phone with my clients. You know, and all of the anger or all of any bad day I had prior. I leave that out the door when I come into work. And I work from home. So the moment I log in, and I’m talking to everyone and I’m making my calls and doing checking up on everybody and everything like that. You’ll never know that I had a bad day, you’ll never know that I’m grumpy. And you might hear some goofiness, but the clients will never hear it over the phone. And the same thing kind of goes with my daughter, any shit that I have any baggage that I’m carrying around, she’ll never experience any of it. It’s always just me being a dad and me being a dad comes first above everything. You know what I mean? I put all my shit aside, because my daughter needs me. And, you know, that’s what being a parent is about. Because and when you’re a parent, you don’t get the luxury of putting yourself first you put your child first. It’s an extension of you, they will live longer than you you have to secure the bag. You know what I mean? I’m securing my child and making sure that her growth not only well exceeds mine, but I mean, look, she’s the very best of me. You know, anything she needs? She comes first. So yeah, I’ll read one more anonymous. Have you ever been in love? Yeah, I have been in love. It’s truly hard to say whether I was in love from not with my child’s mother just because of the way things kind of transpired and negatively went down. But you know, I was in love. Yeah, that’s not before. And I’m a romantic as bummed downtime today. Not a knock on him. But I didn’t really get to learn on what it meant to be romantic or be a man from my, my father per se. So everything I learned I learned on romantic movies and 90s rom coms and shit like that. So

it’s in my heart and that’s kind of how I was raised to, to be and to act and some women may disagree based on how I how I acted in college, this angry guy who was a angry at the world and his parents but in truly in my heart and the heart of hearts of who I am, it’s I’m a, I’m a romantic and and I just scrolled past your question. So I forgot what it was. But I hope I answered it. So yeah, that will be. I’ll have these questions more organized next time. When we do mailbag. We’ll always do them at the end of the podcast, just so you can only hear the questions. Again, if you have a question for me that you want to write in, or just a comment or whatever, just write it in that vent pack, or hello@impact.org. And in the subject line, right, mailbag. And, and I’ll be sure to read your question on the show. And just be sure to write it in and whether you want to be anonymous or username. So that is that guys, thank you so much for allowing me to experiences with you guys. And they’ll tell you, everything about my, my journey so far, and

1:06:05
in the kind of what I’ve been going through,

1:06:07
like I said, I’m not seeing a therapist right now. So it really helps just kind of having a community that I can speak to who, where we can support each other. In speaking of community, I started a Facebook group, it’s called the single father group, please go check it out. And if you are said, single father, and you need some support and need to vent to a pack, who has your back, vent, pack, join, join, join the community join the group, it’s called the single father group on Facebook. I’ll be on there every once in a while just popping in topics and she’d like to add in the help that they can grow and and I’ll be able to help more people because that’s really what I want to do in the heart of hearts of of who I am. I want to I want to be able to help people, I want to be able to have my experiences be maybe a roadmap or

1:07:08
a

1:07:12
guide or a comforting voice to some people out there that know that you’re not alone. And and yeah, and that’s really what it’s about. And it’s funny, just reading one more anonymous question here. It’s, it says, Would you ever would you ever want another kid? Of course, I bet. Not until I’m married. What the next kid will I’ll be a traditionalist, you know? I will, the same mistake cannot be twice to our I want to be in something where I’m it’s more of a if not ring on the finger. It’s more of a of a bond, a blood bond with each other before I have another kid. But yeah, thank you so much. Be sure to like, subscribe and share this podcast, leave a review. It really does help and allows the podcast to grow and to be better content oriented, maybe have some guest spots in and I have a lot of plans for the podcast moving forward, I still have this mental health app that I’m planning on getting developed. And I want everyone to be involved with the pack and be able to vent with each other and yeah, just have I just wanted to be a really a community. You know what I mean? So thank you very much. And yeah, be sure to like our socials, it’s going to be the single father podcast on Facebook and Instagram. I think if you type in vent pack on YouTube, you can check out the single father podcast on on the playlist there and get to experience every episode on YouTube if you wish. As the podcast grows, I plan to have video podcasts coming up soon. My setup is not built for that as of right now. So that’ll be kind of, you know, phase two, I mean, of the podcast, so stay tuned. Stick with me guys. Things will only get better. And yeah, as we vent together and have each other’s back. Thank you for being a part of my pack. Bye